I'm alive. I'm stressed. I'm a failure.

I don't know if I'm giving up on recovery.

[25]

Girls night ended up being nice :]

I didn't get much out of counseling today. I had a good time with my friends so I was in a good mood-meaning I blanked on how aweful the past few weeks have been. I did tell her they were pretty aweful though.

[24]

I want to be a normal 22 year old girl.
That's it! I feel it should be that complicated, right? Well wrong. I'm sure most with eating disorders know where I'm coming from.

I get pissed off and anxious for no reason. It upsets me.
My friends want to celebrate my acceptance into program for school. Plus, this means I will be in school straight until the end of July, and I will have no life for 3 years. Okay, fine. So first it starts with Julie sleeping over, and meeting friends for breakfast. But oh wait, I have counseling at 9am. Okay, that's fine with her. She can just come with me. Then Jodie is going to meet us for breakfast. Okay, fine. Now Jodie is sleeping over, and a few friends are meeting us for breakfast after therapy.
Stop. Pause:
This could be a good thing. We can have a real talk about what is going on. This can be my chance to be fully honest with how bad things are.

Okay, nope. They invite another girl who I'm acquintances with, but we never really hung out much. THANKS ALOT for asking if it was okay for her to sleep over MY house. Yes, this wouldn't upset most people, but it upsets me.
This is where I realize I am a fucking control freak and need everything my way.

Now, I can't take laxatives because they will be here. I do not want to go to breakfast at all. I'm telling them if I go I am only getting coffee.

I hate that I put myself through so much over the silliest little things.

[23]

This week was ridiculous.

I had 3 exams. I got 87% on my sociology exam (B+). I was disappointed, but i'm pretty sure I failed my developmental psych and respiratory physiology exam. Why? Because I have this part of me constantly nagging at me to binge/purge/starve/exercise/cut.

I got into the upper division ("professional sequence")/masters component of the occupational therapy program at my university. I'm so scared my eating disorder is going to ruin all my hard work. If I screw up even once I can get kicked out. I don't know if I want to accept it. The way things are right now I KNOW I won't make it through the next 3 years. If i don't accept it and decide to take time off, I have to take a whole year off of school.

I realized this week that I DO have an illness. I do have an eating disorder and this disorder controls me. If I tell myself otherwise, I'm lying to myself.

I binged/purged atleast 4 times every day this week. I purged blood. I passed out a few times. I'm scared. I never said that before, but I'm SCARED. I don't fucking know what to do.

I wish I was dead. I need this to kill me. I don't have it in me to recover. Knowing what recovery involves, I would have to put my future on hold. I'd rather save the shame and embarrassment.

I'm fucked. I don't know what to do.
I have the doctors on Wednesday. I don't know if I should tell her things have gotten worse so quickly. I don't know what to tell her. Do I tell her I want to be sick? That I want to die? That I hope this kills me? I don't think I could tell her that.

FUCK.
:[

[22]

This post is going to be pointless, but aren't they all?

I signed up to go skydiving again. =) I'm so excited! It's seriously a life changing moment. I'm doing that July 17th after I finish an 8 week Gross Anatomy course. Yuuuck.

I have a sociology exam tomorrow, developmental psych exam thursday, and a respiratory physiology exam on Friday. Guess I don't have a life other than school this week. That's okay though, less time to think about food. My goal weight for Friday is 110.

On March 17 I have counseling, drs appt (vitals/weights), and my nutritioniist appt. I scheduled them all the same day so I will be less likely to cancel. My goal weight for then is...108 with clothes on. I can do it, right? Yes- I CAN. Actually, I will. ahahaha.

God I'm delirious. I went to bed at 1 am, for some reason woke up full of energy at 5:30am...and have been doing school work ever since. I'm exhausted now!

I'm going to take a nap, then gym, then more studying, then going to school to take yoga and watch a movie at my friends dorm.

Shit, did I really just say I'm going to lose 7 pounds in 10 days? Hmmm. Oh well- I've done it before


Yep, I'm done rambling.
<3

[21]

I feel like today I am making the right choices. It feels good.
I'm going to Toronto with 3 friends today to see a Tim Burton exhibit. So...I packed an apple and a fat free yogurt for my snacks. We are going to Greek town for dinner, so I can get a salad :) We are going to this cookie place where you pick your own ingredients and they make it for you. I'm not even worried because I DON'T NEED THE FUCKING COOKIE! =)

Oh, how I love control.

I've been working out alot again too. Yahhoooo.
Yep, this post is pointless.

[20]

I'm giving up on recovery. I've been in treatment since August and I feel like I have not progressed whatsoever.

Everyone keeps saying "you have made it this far"...Fuck that. I have not gotten anywhere.
I have my doctors appointment tomorrow...I don't know what to tell her.


I'm scared. I really wish I was dead.

I'm ruining my future.
As long as I have this though, I feel like I will be okay. Maybe because it could kill me..I should start working on that.
& I don't think I am sick, but I'm sure these thoughts aren't okay.

I make no fucking sense.

[18]

I am so fucking fat and disgusting.
fat
ugly
fat
FAT!

[17]

Shanners! I miss our facebook chats! I hope everything is okay. Miss you <3
Prettydesperate! I miss you as well! Hope things are okay? Love you!

[16]

I have a little bit of hope I'm holding onto.
<3

[15]

I just wanted to thank you girls for all the support on my previous post. It means alot, really. I'm sorry I haven't been around- school is KILLING me. For instance, Monday I have a neurophysiology exam, Tuesday I have 3 philosophy papers due, Thursday I have a sociology exam. AHHH!

Here is just TWO weeks of  neurophysio.



Monday I NEED to get my bloods done! I've put it off since last week AND I cancelled twice this week for my weekly weighin/vitals. I made an appointment for Monday. I have to go.

I haven't weighed- too scared. I am liquid fasting this weekend though. I will be at the library all weekend so it shouldn't be a problem. I don't know what I weigh, but I'm jjust going to set the goal of 111. (wow that's....optimistic of me)

I never post pictures, so here is me. Fat, Ugly, Despicable. ( only now I have shorter, darker hair)

FAT arm!

This is Sammi- 6 months. (one of 4 kitties) <3


This is Krista, my sister. She's perfect. Prettier, Smart, Thin...Engaged

It won't let me copy it, but here is my maid of honor dress- in the watermelon pink
(hopefully it works)
http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Short-Strapless-Pick-Up-Dress-84091_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses



I think I bored you enough.
<3

[14]

Lately, I don't even know what is going through my head. Other than... I think I wish I was dead. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting with myself constantly every fucking day. It never ends, it's becoming too much.

I'm depressed. I cut. These negative thoughts. These are not normal. I just want it to stop, but it's too hard. Then there is the other part: restricting, binging, purging, laxatives. I thought a part of me wanted to stop. A piece of me thought I was sick and wanted to get better. I'm not sick. I never was. It's just an issue that will continue until I'm ready to stop. There is no 'getting better' or 'recovery' when I never had an 'eating disorder.'

I'm in this black hole that has no stepping stones or ledges to help me get out. All I can do is dig deeper and bury myself.

[14]

113.4
BMI: 18.9

[13]

My heart is pounding out of my ears. I am finding it hard to breathe. I can't stop crying.

It's my boyfriends birthday and we were suppose to go to one restaurant- I had my order picked out and everything planned.Now we are going to an Italian restaurant where even a side salad is like 800 calories.

I can't control myself.

[12]

Today has been aweful. I woke up in such a depressed mood. I had to spend between 11am-4pm with my mom and grandma because we were getting our hair done and running errands. I was so nasty to everybody today and now I feel aweful.

I want to go to bed and never wake up. I cut really bad. I keep going to eat something and I just can't. My mom made us dinner, I'm sitting here typing this instead. I physically feel like i'm going to be sick because of how upset I am. I know I am under alot of stress with school, but I feel like I have the biggest weight on my shoulders. I can't even describe it. I hate not knowing what is bothering me so much.

I think I'm going to overdose on laxatives. I usually take 6 at a time for anything to work.
UGHHH! :(

[11]

115.2
Lost: .4

I guess I should be happy I didn't gain after how horrible I ate yesterday.

I am on my way to the gym after this, then class, then my dads, then homework. I planned out my nest 9 days because of all the work I have to do and I plan on sticking between 400-500 calories. Plus workouts. I feel in control.

My goal by my doctors appointment monday is 112 or less. Hopefully it will be less.

EDIT:
after the gym I weighed 114.6. (BMI 19.7)
burned 500+ cals, weights for 30 minutes

[10]

115.6
Lost:  1.6
Total lost since 1/23: 2.6
BMI: 19.8

I feel like I'm finally off this standstill with my weight- even better I feel alot more in control! I'm becoming more and more obsessed with numbers again- that makes me feel further and further away from the binge cycle.

My counseling appointment was cancelled for today- we scheduled for next Monday. I still have to make my doctors appointment but I feel too fat still to be weighed. I really should make it for after class on Monday.  I'm going to call today.
=/

Today I have class at 1pm. I'm going to watch my physiology lecture before and clean my room a bit. Then after class I have to get new tires put on my car because of my little accident two days ago. My mom is being nice enough to pay for them. After I am spending the night at my best friends.

My friends do not work out ever. They eat whatever they want too. I was nervous about not working out today and I just got a text saying to bring my gym clothes later because we were going to our university gym to work out! Ahh- YES! It will be too late for a meal too so I'm not worried anymore. I hope I don't end up having to guide them through what I do usually because I want to take off on my own, but that isn't very nice.

[9]

117
lost: 1.2
BMI: 20.1

I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow- as always I have nothing to say.

Today I ate WAY too much.
- english muffin: 150
- banana, peach, apple:  250
- sushi, miso soup: about 500 (purged a bit)
-banana again: 100

Then I burned 610 calories just now at the gym. I wanted today to be a normal day so badly. Now I'm in tears because I was dumb for thinking I could do it. Tomorrow I am sleeping at my friends so I am nervous.

[8]

Can there just be ONE day where things happen the way they are suppose to? I feel like every single day things happen chaotically and out of my control.

I had today all planned out- lunch, purge, nap, go to the gym for my spin and core classes. Instead, I have major anxiety on my way home because I needed to purge and got so upset. Then my car goes nutso on me and my wheel goes out of control- my car goes into a snow bank. It is -7 degrees out and FREEZING. I had a flat tire. The wait for somebody to come fix it was three fucking hours. It's 7pm now and I am still waiting, my mom came and picked me up. So- I couldn't purge and I couldn't go to the gym.

I hate my life.
I really should tell my counselor I stopped taking my meds... :/


...I'm so frustrated! and I have skipped 3 classes already, and it's only the 2nd week of school. Pathetic!

[7]

I woke up at 6:30 am, was at the gym by 8. Had a good workout and what do I do when I get home?
-diet hot chocolate [25], peach [70], animal crackers [130] & purged.

I have a lunch date with my friend. There is  NO way I will keep it in me. I want to go back to the gym later to take a core class and spin, but if i purge I won't have it in me to get through it. I know, 'well then don't purge' - but I have to. I still have to make my appointment with my doctor, I think I will make it more next Monday. I hope I don't get lectured. Further more, I hope she doesn't give up on me because I i've already given up and I feel like everyone else has too. (that probably didn't make any sense).

I wish I could share all of these thoughts with my counselor. Everyweek I have so much that I really want to bring up, but as soon as I get in that room my mind goes completely blank and I can't recall anything. I hate it. I feel like the worst client ever and I'm only wasting her time.

118.2.
I am FUCKING DISGUSTING!

[6]

I'm seriously fucking miserable tonight and I just cut my wrist. I haven't cut in forever so I'm feeling pathetic. I don't even know what has come over me.

 I stopped taking my zoloft a few days ago, and didn't talk to my doctor about it. but I have been feeling worse and worse beforehand. I have to schedule an appointment with her. My weekly vitals/weighins have been more like every month. Obviously, I am not taking recovery seriously anymore.

I want my eating disorder to just fucking kill me.

[5]

I just got home from spending time with the boy (sam). I'm starting to like him, but I shouldn't put anyone through the trouble of dating me. We went to Bestbuy and I bought a dvd player, we went to dinner- I got a veggie burger and just ate the patty- I feel horrible. Then we went to see little fockers.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym in the morning, then a coffee shop to do homework with a friend. Sam is coming over later on to watch a movie. I'm going to try to consume around 600 calories, I think.

Yep, that's about it.
Oh, and I'm a fat pig.

[4]

Tomorrow is my first day of spring semester-only 3.5 frickin years left, plus 2 full summers of classes. I am so happy I know what I want to do with my life, finally. I just wish I figured it out sooner so I could have graduated this year.

I'm taking:
Sociology
Philosophy
Developmental Psychology
Physiology

Sounds like it's going to be even more work than lest semester-which was ALOT! I already have 2 exams in less than 3 weeks.

Anyways, I'm a fat pig.
Tomorrow my plan is:
peach - 60
sushi- 170

and alot of water and exercise

[3]

117.2
I'm disgusting.

Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrow will be better
...it has to!

[2]

Today went well, eating wise. I burned 705 calories at the gym.

I have to finish an essay so I can turn in my professional sequence application for occupational therapy, but I'm too tired to finish it. Then I still have to do the actual application.  I can't wait until school starts on Monday. I just want to graduate, I feel like I have been in college forever.

I've been talking to this guy for a few months. I don't know how I feel about it. I told him I don't want a boyfriend. Anyways, he is coming over tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd rather just go to sleep, even though it's only 6:30pm.

First Post

Hello. The name is Kelly and I am 22.

Hmm, what should I say?
Well I go to my hometown university, studying occupational therapy.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 12.
I'm in therapy and seeing a nutritionist, on my own. Nobody really knows or is involved.
Right now I'm not too sure I want recovery. I don't think I do.

5'5.
116.8