This week was ridiculous.
I had 3 exams. I got 87% on my sociology exam (B+). I was disappointed, but i'm pretty sure I failed my developmental psych and respiratory physiology exam. Why? Because I have this part of me constantly nagging at me to binge/purge/starve/exercise/cut.
I got into the upper division ("professional sequence")/masters component of the occupational therapy program at my university. I'm so scared my eating disorder is going to ruin all my hard work. If I screw up even once I can get kicked out. I don't know if I want to accept it. The way things are right now I KNOW I won't make it through the next 3 years. If i don't accept it and decide to take time off, I have to take a whole year off of school.
I realized this week that I DO have an illness. I do have an eating disorder and this disorder controls me. If I tell myself otherwise, I'm lying to myself.
I binged/purged atleast 4 times every day this week. I purged blood. I passed out a few times. I'm scared. I never said that before, but I'm SCARED. I don't fucking know what to do.
I wish I was dead. I need this to kill me. I don't have it in me to recover. Knowing what recovery involves, I would have to put my future on hold. I'd rather save the shame and embarrassment.
I'm fucked. I don't know what to do.
I have the doctors on Wednesday. I don't know if I should tell her things have gotten worse so quickly. I don't know what to tell her. Do I tell her I want to be sick? That I want to die? That I hope this kills me? I don't think I could tell her that.