[25]

Girls night ended up being nice :]

I didn't get much out of counseling today. I had a good time with my friends so I was in a good mood-meaning I blanked on how aweful the past few weeks have been. I did tell her they were pretty aweful though.

[24]

I want to be a normal 22 year old girl.
That's it! I feel it should be that complicated, right? Well wrong. I'm sure most with eating disorders know where I'm coming from.

I get pissed off and anxious for no reason. It upsets me.
My friends want to celebrate my acceptance into program for school. Plus, this means I will be in school straight until the end of July, and I will have no life for 3 years. Okay, fine. So first it starts with Julie sleeping over, and meeting friends for breakfast. But oh wait, I have counseling at 9am. Okay, that's fine with her. She can just come with me. Then Jodie is going to meet us for breakfast. Okay, fine. Now Jodie is sleeping over, and a few friends are meeting us for breakfast after therapy.
Stop. Pause:
This could be a good thing. We can have a real talk about what is going on. This can be my chance to be fully honest with how bad things are.

Okay, nope. They invite another girl who I'm acquintances with, but we never really hung out much. THANKS ALOT for asking if it was okay for her to sleep over MY house. Yes, this wouldn't upset most people, but it upsets me.
This is where I realize I am a fucking control freak and need everything my way.

Now, I can't take laxatives because they will be here. I do not want to go to breakfast at all. I'm telling them if I go I am only getting coffee.

I hate that I put myself through so much over the silliest little things.

[23]

This week was ridiculous.

I had 3 exams. I got 87% on my sociology exam (B+). I was disappointed, but i'm pretty sure I failed my developmental psych and respiratory physiology exam. Why? Because I have this part of me constantly nagging at me to binge/purge/starve/exercise/cut.

I got into the upper division ("professional sequence")/masters component of the occupational therapy program at my university. I'm so scared my eating disorder is going to ruin all my hard work. If I screw up even once I can get kicked out. I don't know if I want to accept it. The way things are right now I KNOW I won't make it through the next 3 years. If i don't accept it and decide to take time off, I have to take a whole year off of school.

I realized this week that I DO have an illness. I do have an eating disorder and this disorder controls me. If I tell myself otherwise, I'm lying to myself.

I binged/purged atleast 4 times every day this week. I purged blood. I passed out a few times. I'm scared. I never said that before, but I'm SCARED. I don't fucking know what to do.

I wish I was dead. I need this to kill me. I don't have it in me to recover. Knowing what recovery involves, I would have to put my future on hold. I'd rather save the shame and embarrassment.

I'm fucked. I don't know what to do.
I have the doctors on Wednesday. I don't know if I should tell her things have gotten worse so quickly. I don't know what to tell her. Do I tell her I want to be sick? That I want to die? That I hope this kills me? I don't think I could tell her that.

FUCK.
:[

[22]

This post is going to be pointless, but aren't they all?

I signed up to go skydiving again. =) I'm so excited! It's seriously a life changing moment. I'm doing that July 17th after I finish an 8 week Gross Anatomy course. Yuuuck.

I have a sociology exam tomorrow, developmental psych exam thursday, and a respiratory physiology exam on Friday. Guess I don't have a life other than school this week. That's okay though, less time to think about food. My goal weight for Friday is 110.

On March 17 I have counseling, drs appt (vitals/weights), and my nutritioniist appt. I scheduled them all the same day so I will be less likely to cancel. My goal weight for then is...108 with clothes on. I can do it, right? Yes- I CAN. Actually, I will. ahahaha.

God I'm delirious. I went to bed at 1 am, for some reason woke up full of energy at 5:30am...and have been doing school work ever since. I'm exhausted now!

I'm going to take a nap, then gym, then more studying, then going to school to take yoga and watch a movie at my friends dorm.

Shit, did I really just say I'm going to lose 7 pounds in 10 days? Hmmm. Oh well- I've done it before


Yep, I'm done rambling.
<3

[21]

I feel like today I am making the right choices. It feels good.
I'm going to Toronto with 3 friends today to see a Tim Burton exhibit. So...I packed an apple and a fat free yogurt for my snacks. We are going to Greek town for dinner, so I can get a salad :) We are going to this cookie place where you pick your own ingredients and they make it for you. I'm not even worried because I DON'T NEED THE FUCKING COOKIE! =)

Oh, how I love control.

I've been working out alot again too. Yahhoooo.
Yep, this post is pointless.

[20]

I'm giving up on recovery. I've been in treatment since August and I feel like I have not progressed whatsoever.

Everyone keeps saying "you have made it this far"...Fuck that. I have not gotten anywhere.
I have my doctors appointment tomorrow...I don't know what to tell her.


I'm scared. I really wish I was dead.