Sunday, February 27, 2011

I'm ruining my future.
As long as I have this though, I feel like I will be okay. Maybe because it could kill me..I should start working on that.
& I don't think I am sick, but I'm sure these thoughts aren't okay.

I make no fucking sense.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Monday, February 21, 2011


Shanners! I miss our facebook chats! I hope everything is okay. Miss you <3
Prettydesperate! I miss you as well! Hope things are okay? Love you!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Friday, February 11, 2011


I just wanted to thank you girls for all the support on my previous post. It means alot, really. I'm sorry I haven't been around- school is KILLING me. For instance, Monday I have a neurophysiology exam, Tuesday I have 3 philosophy papers due, Thursday I have a sociology exam. AHHH!

Here is just TWO weeks of  neurophysio.

Monday I NEED to get my bloods done! I've put it off since last week AND I cancelled twice this week for my weekly weighin/vitals. I made an appointment for Monday. I have to go.

I haven't weighed- too scared. I am liquid fasting this weekend though. I will be at the library all weekend so it shouldn't be a problem. I don't know what I weigh, but I'm jjust going to set the goal of 111. (wow that's....optimistic of me)

I never post pictures, so here is me. Fat, Ugly, Despicable. ( only now I have shorter, darker hair)

FAT arm!

This is Sammi- 6 months. (one of 4 kitties) <3

This is Krista, my sister. She's perfect. Prettier, Smart, Thin...Engaged

It won't let me copy it, but here is my maid of honor dress- in the watermelon pink
(hopefully it works)

I think I bored you enough.

Friday, February 4, 2011


Lately, I don't even know what is going through my head. Other than... I think I wish I was dead. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting with myself constantly every fucking day. It never ends, it's becoming too much.

I'm depressed. I cut. These negative thoughts. These are not normal. I just want it to stop, but it's too hard. Then there is the other part: restricting, binging, purging, laxatives. I thought a part of me wanted to stop. A piece of me thought I was sick and wanted to get better. I'm not sick. I never was. It's just an issue that will continue until I'm ready to stop. There is no 'getting better' or 'recovery' when I never had an 'eating disorder.'

I'm in this black hole that has no stepping stones or ledges to help me get out. All I can do is dig deeper and bury myself.