Sunday, January 30, 2011


My heart is pounding out of my ears. I am finding it hard to breathe. I can't stop crying.

It's my boyfriends birthday and we were suppose to go to one restaurant- I had my order picked out and everything planned.Now we are going to an Italian restaurant where even a side salad is like 800 calories.

I can't control myself.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Today has been aweful. I woke up in such a depressed mood. I had to spend between 11am-4pm with my mom and grandma because we were getting our hair done and running errands. I was so nasty to everybody today and now I feel aweful.

I want to go to bed and never wake up. I cut really bad. I keep going to eat something and I just can't. My mom made us dinner, I'm sitting here typing this instead. I physically feel like i'm going to be sick because of how upset I am. I know I am under alot of stress with school, but I feel like I have the biggest weight on my shoulders. I can't even describe it. I hate not knowing what is bothering me so much.

I think I'm going to overdose on laxatives. I usually take 6 at a time for anything to work.

Friday, January 28, 2011


Lost: .4

I guess I should be happy I didn't gain after how horrible I ate yesterday.

I am on my way to the gym after this, then class, then my dads, then homework. I planned out my nest 9 days because of all the work I have to do and I plan on sticking between 400-500 calories. Plus workouts. I feel in control.

My goal by my doctors appointment monday is 112 or less. Hopefully it will be less.

after the gym I weighed 114.6. (BMI 19.7)
burned 500+ cals, weights for 30 minutes

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Lost:  1.6
Total lost since 1/23: 2.6
BMI: 19.8

I feel like I'm finally off this standstill with my weight- even better I feel alot more in control! I'm becoming more and more obsessed with numbers again- that makes me feel further and further away from the binge cycle.

My counseling appointment was cancelled for today- we scheduled for next Monday. I still have to make my doctors appointment but I feel too fat still to be weighed. I really should make it for after class on Monday.  I'm going to call today.

Today I have class at 1pm. I'm going to watch my physiology lecture before and clean my room a bit. Then after class I have to get new tires put on my car because of my little accident two days ago. My mom is being nice enough to pay for them. After I am spending the night at my best friends.

My friends do not work out ever. They eat whatever they want too. I was nervous about not working out today and I just got a text saying to bring my gym clothes later because we were going to our university gym to work out! Ahh- YES! It will be too late for a meal too so I'm not worried anymore. I hope I don't end up having to guide them through what I do usually because I want to take off on my own, but that isn't very nice.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


lost: 1.2
BMI: 20.1

I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow- as always I have nothing to say.

Today I ate WAY too much.
- english muffin: 150
- banana, peach, apple:  250
- sushi, miso soup: about 500 (purged a bit)
-banana again: 100

Then I burned 610 calories just now at the gym. I wanted today to be a normal day so badly. Now I'm in tears because I was dumb for thinking I could do it. Tomorrow I am sleeping at my friends so I am nervous.

Monday, January 24, 2011


Can there just be ONE day where things happen the way they are suppose to? I feel like every single day things happen chaotically and out of my control.

I had today all planned out- lunch, purge, nap, go to the gym for my spin and core classes. Instead, I have major anxiety on my way home because I needed to purge and got so upset. Then my car goes nutso on me and my wheel goes out of control- my car goes into a snow bank. It is -7 degrees out and FREEZING. I had a flat tire. The wait for somebody to come fix it was three fucking hours. It's 7pm now and I am still waiting, my mom came and picked me up. So- I couldn't purge and I couldn't go to the gym.

I hate my life.
I really should tell my counselor I stopped taking my meds... :/

...I'm so frustrated! and I have skipped 3 classes already, and it's only the 2nd week of school. Pathetic!


I woke up at 6:30 am, was at the gym by 8. Had a good workout and what do I do when I get home?
-diet hot chocolate [25], peach [70], animal crackers [130] & purged.

I have a lunch date with my friend. There is  NO way I will keep it in me. I want to go back to the gym later to take a core class and spin, but if i purge I won't have it in me to get through it. I know, 'well then don't purge' - but I have to. I still have to make my appointment with my doctor, I think I will make it more next Monday. I hope I don't get lectured. Further more, I hope she doesn't give up on me because I i've already given up and I feel like everyone else has too. (that probably didn't make any sense).

I wish I could share all of these thoughts with my counselor. Everyweek I have so much that I really want to bring up, but as soon as I get in that room my mind goes completely blank and I can't recall anything. I hate it. I feel like the worst client ever and I'm only wasting her time.


Sunday, January 23, 2011


I'm seriously fucking miserable tonight and I just cut my wrist. I haven't cut in forever so I'm feeling pathetic. I don't even know what has come over me.

 I stopped taking my zoloft a few days ago, and didn't talk to my doctor about it. but I have been feeling worse and worse beforehand. I have to schedule an appointment with her. My weekly vitals/weighins have been more like every month. Obviously, I am not taking recovery seriously anymore.

I want my eating disorder to just fucking kill me.

Friday, January 21, 2011


I just got home from spending time with the boy (sam). I'm starting to like him, but I shouldn't put anyone through the trouble of dating me. We went to Bestbuy and I bought a dvd player, we went to dinner- I got a veggie burger and just ate the patty- I feel horrible. Then we went to see little fockers.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym in the morning, then a coffee shop to do homework with a friend. Sam is coming over later on to watch a movie. I'm going to try to consume around 600 calories, I think.

Yep, that's about it.
Oh, and I'm a fat pig.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Tomorrow is my first day of spring semester-only 3.5 frickin years left, plus 2 full summers of classes. I am so happy I know what I want to do with my life, finally. I just wish I figured it out sooner so I could have graduated this year.

I'm taking:
Developmental Psychology

Sounds like it's going to be even more work than lest semester-which was ALOT! I already have 2 exams in less than 3 weeks.

Anyways, I'm a fat pig.
Tomorrow my plan is:
peach - 60
sushi- 170

and alot of water and exercise

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I'm disgusting.

Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrow will be better has to!

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Today went well, eating wise. I burned 705 calories at the gym.

I have to finish an essay so I can turn in my professional sequence application for occupational therapy, but I'm too tired to finish it. Then I still have to do the actual application.  I can't wait until school starts on Monday. I just want to graduate, I feel like I have been in college forever.

I've been talking to this guy for a few months. I don't know how I feel about it. I told him I don't want a boyfriend. Anyways, he is coming over tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd rather just go to sleep, even though it's only 6:30pm.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

First Post

Hello. The name is Kelly and I am 22.

Hmm, what should I say?
Well I go to my hometown university, studying occupational therapy.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 12.
I'm in therapy and seeing a nutritionist, on my own. Nobody really knows or is involved.
Right now I'm not too sure I want recovery. I don't think I do.