[13]

My heart is pounding out of my ears. I am finding it hard to breathe. I can't stop crying.

It's my boyfriends birthday and we were suppose to go to one restaurant- I had my order picked out and everything planned.Now we are going to an Italian restaurant where even a side salad is like 800 calories.

I can't control myself.

[12]

Today has been aweful. I woke up in such a depressed mood. I had to spend between 11am-4pm with my mom and grandma because we were getting our hair done and running errands. I was so nasty to everybody today and now I feel aweful.

I want to go to bed and never wake up. I cut really bad. I keep going to eat something and I just can't. My mom made us dinner, I'm sitting here typing this instead. I physically feel like i'm going to be sick because of how upset I am. I know I am under alot of stress with school, but I feel like I have the biggest weight on my shoulders. I can't even describe it. I hate not knowing what is bothering me so much.

I think I'm going to overdose on laxatives. I usually take 6 at a time for anything to work.
UGHHH! :(

[11]

115.2
Lost: .4

I guess I should be happy I didn't gain after how horrible I ate yesterday.

I am on my way to the gym after this, then class, then my dads, then homework. I planned out my nest 9 days because of all the work I have to do and I plan on sticking between 400-500 calories. Plus workouts. I feel in control.

My goal by my doctors appointment monday is 112 or less. Hopefully it will be less.

EDIT:
after the gym I weighed 114.6. (BMI 19.7)
burned 500+ cals, weights for 30 minutes

[10]

115.6
Lost:  1.6
Total lost since 1/23: 2.6
BMI: 19.8

I feel like I'm finally off this standstill with my weight- even better I feel alot more in control! I'm becoming more and more obsessed with numbers again- that makes me feel further and further away from the binge cycle.

My counseling appointment was cancelled for today- we scheduled for next Monday. I still have to make my doctors appointment but I feel too fat still to be weighed. I really should make it for after class on Monday.  I'm going to call today.
=/

Today I have class at 1pm. I'm going to watch my physiology lecture before and clean my room a bit. Then after class I have to get new tires put on my car because of my little accident two days ago. My mom is being nice enough to pay for them. After I am spending the night at my best friends.

My friends do not work out ever. They eat whatever they want too. I was nervous about not working out today and I just got a text saying to bring my gym clothes later because we were going to our university gym to work out! Ahh- YES! It will be too late for a meal too so I'm not worried anymore. I hope I don't end up having to guide them through what I do usually because I want to take off on my own, but that isn't very nice.

[9]

117
lost: 1.2
BMI: 20.1

I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow- as always I have nothing to say.

Today I ate WAY too much.
- english muffin: 150
- banana, peach, apple:  250
- sushi, miso soup: about 500 (purged a bit)
-banana again: 100

Then I burned 610 calories just now at the gym. I wanted today to be a normal day so badly. Now I'm in tears because I was dumb for thinking I could do it. Tomorrow I am sleeping at my friends so I am nervous.

[8]

Can there just be ONE day where things happen the way they are suppose to? I feel like every single day things happen chaotically and out of my control.

I had today all planned out- lunch, purge, nap, go to the gym for my spin and core classes. Instead, I have major anxiety on my way home because I needed to purge and got so upset. Then my car goes nutso on me and my wheel goes out of control- my car goes into a snow bank. It is -7 degrees out and FREEZING. I had a flat tire. The wait for somebody to come fix it was three fucking hours. It's 7pm now and I am still waiting, my mom came and picked me up. So- I couldn't purge and I couldn't go to the gym.

I hate my life.
I really should tell my counselor I stopped taking my meds... :/


...I'm so frustrated! and I have skipped 3 classes already, and it's only the 2nd week of school. Pathetic!

[7]

I woke up at 6:30 am, was at the gym by 8. Had a good workout and what do I do when I get home?
-diet hot chocolate [25], peach [70], animal crackers [130] & purged.

I have a lunch date with my friend. There is  NO way I will keep it in me. I want to go back to the gym later to take a core class and spin, but if i purge I won't have it in me to get through it. I know, 'well then don't purge' - but I have to. I still have to make my appointment with my doctor, I think I will make it more next Monday. I hope I don't get lectured. Further more, I hope she doesn't give up on me because I i've already given up and I feel like everyone else has too. (that probably didn't make any sense).

I wish I could share all of these thoughts with my counselor. Everyweek I have so much that I really want to bring up, but as soon as I get in that room my mind goes completely blank and I can't recall anything. I hate it. I feel like the worst client ever and I'm only wasting her time.

118.2.
I am FUCKING DISGUSTING!

[6]

I'm seriously fucking miserable tonight and I just cut my wrist. I haven't cut in forever so I'm feeling pathetic. I don't even know what has come over me.

 I stopped taking my zoloft a few days ago, and didn't talk to my doctor about it. but I have been feeling worse and worse beforehand. I have to schedule an appointment with her. My weekly vitals/weighins have been more like every month. Obviously, I am not taking recovery seriously anymore.

I want my eating disorder to just fucking kill me.

[5]

I just got home from spending time with the boy (sam). I'm starting to like him, but I shouldn't put anyone through the trouble of dating me. We went to Bestbuy and I bought a dvd player, we went to dinner- I got a veggie burger and just ate the patty- I feel horrible. Then we went to see little fockers.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym in the morning, then a coffee shop to do homework with a friend. Sam is coming over later on to watch a movie. I'm going to try to consume around 600 calories, I think.

Yep, that's about it.
Oh, and I'm a fat pig.

[4]

Tomorrow is my first day of spring semester-only 3.5 frickin years left, plus 2 full summers of classes. I am so happy I know what I want to do with my life, finally. I just wish I figured it out sooner so I could have graduated this year.

I'm taking:
Sociology
Philosophy
Developmental Psychology
Physiology

Sounds like it's going to be even more work than lest semester-which was ALOT! I already have 2 exams in less than 3 weeks.

Anyways, I'm a fat pig.
Tomorrow my plan is:
peach - 60
sushi- 170

and alot of water and exercise

[3]

117.2
I'm disgusting.

Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrow will be better
...it has to!

[2]

Today went well, eating wise. I burned 705 calories at the gym.

I have to finish an essay so I can turn in my professional sequence application for occupational therapy, but I'm too tired to finish it. Then I still have to do the actual application.  I can't wait until school starts on Monday. I just want to graduate, I feel like I have been in college forever.

I've been talking to this guy for a few months. I don't know how I feel about it. I told him I don't want a boyfriend. Anyways, he is coming over tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd rather just go to sleep, even though it's only 6:30pm.

First Post

Hello. The name is Kelly and I am 22.

Hmm, what should I say?
Well I go to my hometown university, studying occupational therapy.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 12.
I'm in therapy and seeing a nutritionist, on my own. Nobody really knows or is involved.
Right now I'm not too sure I want recovery. I don't think I do.

5'5.
116.8