Therapy.

I've been seeing my therapist for 9 months now. I have yet to feel comfortable with her & still hesitate to say what is on my mind. I'm pretty sure that defeats the purpose of having a therapist. I know for the past 5 months I have been very ambivalent towards wanting recovery and right now my thoughts are wishing the eating disorder just kills me. So if that is my wish, then why waste her time and my time when about 90% of the time I don't want to recover.

I feel aweful that everyone invested so much into my recovery & this is how things ended up. I feel guilty because I thought my mom knew that I wasn't do well, but last night I told her I don't want to see my therapist or nutritionist anymore (expecting to have to put up a fight) and she simply just said "as long as your doing okay...you seem like your doing much better". That is a lie. My symptoms are just as bad as before I started treatment. My depression is just aweful. I felt terrible because I'm lying to her.

I just want to starve away.

Everytime I get upset with someone now my thoughts go to "well I'll show you! I'm not eating"...which is so stupid.