Just another day.

Last night I went to group at my old treatment center. I have so much on my mind and had every intention on talking about it. It was past the time though, and I would have felt bad for making everyone stay...even though we stayed almost 45 minutes late anyways. My intention for the week was to "not jump off a bridge". I cannot believe I said that outloud and as soon as I said my thoughts instantly went to "IDIOT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!" So I had numeous texts afterward from people from the group to see if I was okay. People say that all the time so why is it some huge deal when I say it?! Cripe.

So it's Monday. I can't believe how quick the semester is flying by. It's a good thing, but a bad thing too. The quicker time goes, the more time I'm wasting on my eating disorder...the closer I am to getting older. WAH. I don't know.

Class time

Therapy.

I've been seeing my therapist for 9 months now. I have yet to feel comfortable with her & still hesitate to say what is on my mind. I'm pretty sure that defeats the purpose of having a therapist. I know for the past 5 months I have been very ambivalent towards wanting recovery and right now my thoughts are wishing the eating disorder just kills me. So if that is my wish, then why waste her time and my time when about 90% of the time I don't want to recover.

I feel aweful that everyone invested so much into my recovery & this is how things ended up. I feel guilty because I thought my mom knew that I wasn't do well, but last night I told her I don't want to see my therapist or nutritionist anymore (expecting to have to put up a fight) and she simply just said "as long as your doing okay...you seem like your doing much better". That is a lie. My symptoms are just as bad as before I started treatment. My depression is just aweful. I felt terrible because I'm lying to her.

I just want to starve away.

Everytime I get upset with someone now my thoughts go to "well I'll show you! I'm not eating"...which is so stupid.

It's been a while..

I've decided to start blogging again. So much has happened since I have been here last so here is a quick catch up.

Well, I'm 24 now. I'm going to a university for Occupational Therapy and I am in my 3rd year. Love it, however it is realllllly stressful.

July 2011-Jan 2012 I spent in partial hospitilaztion and residential treatment for my eating disorder. I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, bulimia, and chemical dependency. It was the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life. In May 2012 I went back to school.
About 5 months ago I hit a bad relapse and have not been able to get myself out of it. That pretty much sums it up.

So onto now.