Just another day.

Last night I went to group at my old treatment center. I have so much on my mind and had every intention on talking about it. It was past the time though, and I would have felt bad for making everyone stay...even though we stayed almost 45 minutes late anyways. My intention for the week was to "not jump off a bridge". I cannot believe I said that outloud and as soon as I said my thoughts instantly went to "IDIOT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!" So I had numeous texts afterward from people from the group to see if I was okay. People say that all the time so why is it some huge deal when I say it?! Cripe.

So it's Monday. I can't believe how quick the semester is flying by. It's a good thing, but a bad thing too. The quicker time goes, the more time I'm wasting on my eating disorder...the closer I am to getting older. WAH. I don't know.

Class time

Therapy.

I've been seeing my therapist for 9 months now. I have yet to feel comfortable with her & still hesitate to say what is on my mind. I'm pretty sure that defeats the purpose of having a therapist. I know for the past 5 months I have been very ambivalent towards wanting recovery and right now my thoughts are wishing the eating disorder just kills me. So if that is my wish, then why waste her time and my time when about 90% of the time I don't want to recover.

I feel aweful that everyone invested so much into my recovery & this is how things ended up. I feel guilty because I thought my mom knew that I wasn't do well, but last night I told her I don't want to see my therapist or nutritionist anymore (expecting to have to put up a fight) and she simply just said "as long as your doing okay...you seem like your doing much better". That is a lie. My symptoms are just as bad as before I started treatment. My depression is just aweful. I felt terrible because I'm lying to her.

I just want to starve away.

Everytime I get upset with someone now my thoughts go to "well I'll show you! I'm not eating"...which is so stupid.

It's been a while..

I've decided to start blogging again. So much has happened since I have been here last so here is a quick catch up.

Well, I'm 24 now. I'm going to a university for Occupational Therapy and I am in my 3rd year. Love it, however it is realllllly stressful.

July 2011-Jan 2012 I spent in partial hospitilaztion and residential treatment for my eating disorder. I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, bulimia, and chemical dependency. It was the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life. In May 2012 I went back to school.
About 5 months ago I hit a bad relapse and have not been able to get myself out of it. That pretty much sums it up.

So onto now.

I'm alive. I'm stressed. I'm a failure.

I don't know if I'm giving up on recovery.

[25]

Girls night ended up being nice :]

I didn't get much out of counseling today. I had a good time with my friends so I was in a good mood-meaning I blanked on how aweful the past few weeks have been. I did tell her they were pretty aweful though.

[24]

I want to be a normal 22 year old girl.
That's it! I feel it should be that complicated, right? Well wrong. I'm sure most with eating disorders know where I'm coming from.

I get pissed off and anxious for no reason. It upsets me.
My friends want to celebrate my acceptance into program for school. Plus, this means I will be in school straight until the end of July, and I will have no life for 3 years. Okay, fine. So first it starts with Julie sleeping over, and meeting friends for breakfast. But oh wait, I have counseling at 9am. Okay, that's fine with her. She can just come with me. Then Jodie is going to meet us for breakfast. Okay, fine. Now Jodie is sleeping over, and a few friends are meeting us for breakfast after therapy.
Stop. Pause:
This could be a good thing. We can have a real talk about what is going on. This can be my chance to be fully honest with how bad things are.

Okay, nope. They invite another girl who I'm acquintances with, but we never really hung out much. THANKS ALOT for asking if it was okay for her to sleep over MY house. Yes, this wouldn't upset most people, but it upsets me.
This is where I realize I am a fucking control freak and need everything my way.

Now, I can't take laxatives because they will be here. I do not want to go to breakfast at all. I'm telling them if I go I am only getting coffee.

I hate that I put myself through so much over the silliest little things.

[23]

This week was ridiculous.

I had 3 exams. I got 87% on my sociology exam (B+). I was disappointed, but i'm pretty sure I failed my developmental psych and respiratory physiology exam. Why? Because I have this part of me constantly nagging at me to binge/purge/starve/exercise/cut.

I got into the upper division ("professional sequence")/masters component of the occupational therapy program at my university. I'm so scared my eating disorder is going to ruin all my hard work. If I screw up even once I can get kicked out. I don't know if I want to accept it. The way things are right now I KNOW I won't make it through the next 3 years. If i don't accept it and decide to take time off, I have to take a whole year off of school.

I realized this week that I DO have an illness. I do have an eating disorder and this disorder controls me. If I tell myself otherwise, I'm lying to myself.

I binged/purged atleast 4 times every day this week. I purged blood. I passed out a few times. I'm scared. I never said that before, but I'm SCARED. I don't fucking know what to do.

I wish I was dead. I need this to kill me. I don't have it in me to recover. Knowing what recovery involves, I would have to put my future on hold. I'd rather save the shame and embarrassment.

I'm fucked. I don't know what to do.
I have the doctors on Wednesday. I don't know if I should tell her things have gotten worse so quickly. I don't know what to tell her. Do I tell her I want to be sick? That I want to die? That I hope this kills me? I don't think I could tell her that.

FUCK.
:[